SECRET RULES

Hello, my dear friends of life in my heavenly Turkey, whose health is precious, whose hearts are kind, whose souls are beautiful, and who are full of awareness.

In last week’s seminar, we discussed the family system and its rules. We were unable to address family rules and their implications for life. Today, we will discuss how the rules within the family system affect you, regardless of your age.

What are your family’s rules? Whether pleasant or difficult, I ask you to write to me openly. Who provides for the household? Who does the housework? Who disciplines the children and how? Who manages the budget? Who spends money, how, and where? Who holds which authorities? How do parents address their children, and children their parents? Who treats whom how? Is there love, is there hugging, is there respect? Can everything be expressed openly and freely in your family? Or is there a despotic administration? Does no one question the rules? Do you live in a family where rules are suppressed into the subconscious – and is it only for that family?

If even half of the questions I just listed cause you deep pain, know that I feel the same pain with you. Deeply… Because you had an unhealthy family, a perfect example of one…

I was in the 3rd grade at Merkez Middle School. My closest friend was also my desk mate. He is now one of Turkey’s leading cardiovascular surgeons. His entire academic career, including Antalya High School and Hacettepe Medicine, is filled with first-place achievements. He is currently at the peak of his profession and continues to climb. He is still one of my closest friends. In our culture, we even say he’s more than a brother. That’s how it is. His family is like my own. My friend is the only son in his family. I love them very much. They also love me as if I were their own child. It was the last day of school. Beautiful summer weather. We were walking in the garden. We were dreaming of Antalya High School. We would be high schoolers next year, the excitement was immense. My friend’s house was across the street. And the balcony of his study room (as luck would have it) directly overlooked the middle school garden. A bird’s-eye view from the 20th floor. Since I grew up in a free and trusting family, I would occasionally hang out with my female friends in class and even play football and basketball. During breaks, we would cause mischief together in groups. On the last day of school, we were all outside as a class. Again, I had both male and female friends with me. One of them is now a very popular pop singer. I used to play the piano in the school choir, and she would accompany me with her unique voice. Anyway, we had received our commendations and were walking in the garden. Our school’s star student, my dear desk mate, joined us for a few minutes. We were very happy. He didn’t have a single 9; all his grades were 10. We congratulated him. We kissed him. We hugged him. That same night, his mother beat him with a hose. I couldn’t bear to look at his legs. They were bruised. They looked as if they were rotting. His crime: ‘cuddling with girls in the school garden.’ Then we all grew up. But the memories and subconscious reflections remained in that garden. And many more.

WEEKLY AWARENESS NOTE

Any emotions and thoughts suppressed, marginalized, or repressed within a family will surface at the first opportunity. They affect not only your child’s life but also your own. Who is responsible in this situation now? The most obvious characteristic of an unhealthy family is perfectionism. In these families, external relationships are more important than internal ones.

”You will be the best! Just bring me a thank you, or I’ll break your legs??? What will ‘everyone’ (the intergalactic judgment council) say then!..” Come on, you think about the hearts of children struggling for survival in the slums. Next week, shall we talk about these children instead of ‘everyone’? What do you say?

Uğur Uğural